英検２級ライティングの採点、添削をお願いしたいです。
Topic
Young people love playing computer games, and this may even be their favorite hobby. Do you think it is okay for young people to play computer games?
という問いにたいし
I think it is not okay for young people to play computer games. I have two reasons why I feel this way. To begin with, playing computer games for a long time is not healthy. Young people need to take the time to get sunshine and fresh air outside. Second, some young people who play computer games too much do not spend enough time communicating with others. As a result, I think that some young people's face-to-face communication skills are becoming weaker. In summary, young people should spend less time playing computer games.
と答えました。これを内容、構成、語彙、文法、各4点満点で計16点満点だとすると何点ぐらいでしょうか？ 試験まで1ヶ月しかなく焦っています。何か他にやっていた方がいい勉強などあれば教えていたただきたいです。
回答
私は英検の採点は分からないのですが、読んでとても良いと思いました。強いて直すとしたら、
I do not think it is okay.....
As a result, I think that their face-to-face.....
ですが、間違えている訳ではありません。
We all write differently. We can keep revising your sentences, but I would like to retain your originality unless I have good reasons to correct them. After all, there is no such thing as perfect writing. Good job!
I do not think it is okay for young people to play computer games. There are two reasons for that. To begin with, playing computer games for a long time is not healthy because people need to get sunshine and fresh air outside to live. Second, young people who play too much computer games do not spend enough time communicating with their mentors. In conclusion, I would like to say that young people should spend less time playing computer games.